Installment One - Part Five

So, I've talked in earlier posts about my family, and it has come to my brother's turn. He thinks I'm not living right, but I'm happy. You would think he would care, right? Well, no, all he cares about is whether I'm a christian or not. I'm not, but he is, and he's militant about it. It wouldn't bother me so bad if he would just accept that I see the world differently than him. Because I do, though, he doesn't want me to have anything to do with his kids. I'm not a bad influence, but he treats me like I'm a leper or something. He doesn't care that he made my life a living hell when we were younger, strengthening my PTSD. Yes, he caused a great deal of trauma in my life. There's the time, for example, when he put his hand around my throat, squeezed, and lifted me up off my feet against a wall just to prove to me that I shouldn't cuss. I walked into the room, my sister said something that I didn't like, so I said, "Shit!"
That's when he grabbed me like that, and said in a demonic tone, "Don't... say... that... word!"
Okay, I didn't mean to offend, but I was only 15 or younger when this happened. I was growing up, and rebelling against the words of my parents. That's normal, right? Yes, it is. Example two actually happened before that day he almost suffocated me, but here it is, in the order I remembered it. We (my brother, two other kids, and me) were coming home from where the bus dropped us off after school. Jesse walked ahead of me, and the other kids started picking on me. I was just trying to ignore them when they started hitting me hard on the back of my head. Jesse wasn't that far away, so I called as loud as I could (ask anyone who knows me, and they'll tell you I'm loud when I want to be), but he kept walking. The other kids were saying how he knows his place and that he has the right idea by just walking away. I called for him louder, and he just kept walking, not even turning his head to see what was the matter. When I got home, I asked him why he didn't help, and he said that he figured I deserved it for whatever reason. What?! I deserved this hazing? No, I didn't. They were going off abut something I said the previous year that they had just heard about. I had already been punished for my off-color joking, and the fact of the matter is, I didn't realize it was such a sore subject to begin with. Here we were a year later, and kids were still fucking with me about it. I figured it out, though. My brother was too much of a pussy to come back and stand up for his sister. The worst part was that my parents agreed with him. SO, that was a battle I lost because I didn't know how to defend myself, and my chicken-shit brother, who was trained in martial arts, couldn't even back me up.
So, now he wants me to believe him when he says he's sorry, but he doesn't even know what he did. I've tried to tell him what, but he won't listen because he doesn't remember it. How am I supposed to believe he has my best interest at heart when he doesn't even have one? I don't know. He was never there for me, and he actually believes that I'd come to him for advice. He is the most intolerant, judgmental, pompous prick I've ever seen in my life! My father isn't even that cold-hearted! He said to me once that he wouldn't bring his kids to my house while it's as messy as it was, but then, after he found out I'm not a christian, he threatened me with not being able to see them at all. He said to me that he doesn't want their souls tarnished, and that I can understand, but it's not like I cuss in front of them. It's not like I talk about anything uncivilized around them. At one point before my brother decided I couldn't see his kids anymore but after he saw my filthy abode, I asked him if we could meet at a park or somewhere away from my house, and he said that would be a great idea, but never has he done even that. I wonder how he can live with only the one heart in his chest. He has tried and failed to convert me, but because of how he and other christians treated me growing up, I cannot believe in Jesus. Jesus was supposed to take my cares away from me, but he didn't. Jesus was supposed to be there for me, but he wasn't. Jesus was a teacher of tolerance, spouting that one person is no better than the next and that we have all fallen from grace. I believe that, but I don't believe he was everything the bible said he was, and for that, I'm ostracized by my own family. My brother is a very logic-minded person, which is why he's a math teacher now, but he hasn't a clue what familial sentimentality is. I do, but I get all this horse shit thrown in my face because he doesn't understand what it is to have a heart. Hey, jackass! I'm your sister! Doesn't that mean anything at all? No. And I'll tell you why; it's because of his religion teaching him that I'm living in sin, but what he fails to realize is, so is he according to the bible, his holy text of choice. He marches to the judgments in his head rather than realizing that god loves his creations, even if they aren't doing what it said to do. I don't believe god has a gender, and I don't believe he's jealous. That's a human emotion that was given to it by humans! God is too busy to damn people to hell while it's running all of creation. Of course, try telling that to my brother, and he'll probably throw a book at you or at least quote scriptures to you to try and prove himself right. Scriptures don't prove anything! It's the fact that you have faith that matters, not what you put your faith in. Honestly, he treats me like I'm a witch and we live in Europe in the 1500's! Go ahead, my brother, go ahead and judge me all you want, but that doesn't mean a damn thing! All it means is you're just as guilty of sin as I am! Stay off my case, and leave the bible out of it!
The time has come, dear readers, that I must take leave of this blog post. I will be writing more, but this subject is closed. Keep a watch on my dashboard (or yours if you're following). There will be more from me, but I'm going to leave my family out of it from this point on. Goodbye for now.
Well, I'm hungry now, and it's best I get