Installment One - Part Three

Okay, now that I've gotten some sleep, and having talked about my mother, I'm going to talk about my father. I wish I had more than bad things to say about him, but how much good can you have to say for someone who abused you your entire life and doesn't even remember doing anything wrong? If he doesn't say nasty things to me trying to prove a point about religion, politics, or anything else he thinks I'm at fault for being, it seems he isn't able to survive. Maybe that's why he lives out in the middle of nowhere. He pissed too many people off, and now he's hiding from them. As an adult, I've decided the best course of action to take is to stop calling him. He doesn't call me, so why not? I don't want to call him just to get bitched out for not believing the same exact way he does. He's a southern christian man who, in my opinion, could learn a thing or two if he'd just read and live the holy text he swears by. There are plenty of passages about not judging people. Now, I can understand judging a man who slaps an elderly woman and then goes into a church... that's just wrong. But he judges me knowing I'm a good, caring, and sensitive person. He judges the wrong things. He's told me I'd never make a good musician, so it'd be better to just be a song writer. Now, to some, I'm sure this doesn't mean a whole lot, and it possibly could be good advice, but I'm not trying to make big with it. I just want to make music for myself, my husband, and anyone who wants to listen to it who I consider to be family. Since there's no one left in the family I grew up in that gives a damn, my family is who I (for lack of a better word) adopt into it as spiritual brothers and sisters. They may not be blood-related, but they are my family of love since my blood relatives have condemned me. But back to what I was saying about music, I am a talented singer and can play the keys, so I feel that I am a musician, even if I only do it as a hobby. Well, it's more than a hobby, it's a way of life for me to craft things, including music. I guess I'm technically an all-out artist because I do make works of art that aren't musical. But this is all stuff my father doesn't and won't understand about me. He just goes off on his tangents telling me how wrong I am but won't give the other sides of me any compassion at all. I got sick of it and decided instead of fighting with him, trying to get him to understand, it's just not worth the effort because he won't listen to me. He has his own opinions and ideals and he's too old to start new ones. Yes, I've given up on him so I can lead a comfortable life, but I still hear his voice in my head telling me how very wrong I am in every aspect of life. He's not going to take the time to figure out why I can't allow myself to forgive him. I want his apology, but I want him to remember what he's apologizing for as well. I want him to remember yelling at me about how my timing sucked for my FIRST piano recital. I want him to remember leaving my ass black and purple because he SUSPECTED that I broke my brother's radio. I'm sorry, but I never did that... and if I did, it was an accident. I would have remembered breaking that thing if I did it on purpose. Accidents happen, Dad, and you treated me like I killed someone. You were never there for me on an emotional level. You just sit there watching tv and waiting for someone to get between you and said tv so you had a reason to yell at them. What a reason, huh? I would have moved if you had just asked... you didn't have to yell at me and accuse me of ruining your favorite show just because i stepped in front of the tv for two seconds. And after all this dishonor, you expect me to have the capacity to honor you like it says to do in the bible. I can't... the only way I can is to not talk to you, because you think everything I say and do is a dishonor to you. And I'm not sorry that I didn't turn out the way you wanted me to, but when you don't really do your best as a parent, how can you really expect your children to learn what you believe is right? I turned out to be the best me I can be! I have a lot to offer the world, but nothing to offer you. You burned the bridge between us by your ignorance. You have to be the one to build it back because I demand that people don't treat me poorly, including you. I also demand of myself that I don't treat others poorly. Build a bridge, Daddy, if you ever want to see or talk to your oldest daughter again.
So, all that being said, it's time to bid my readers adieu for now. I will be back again later to write more. Goodbye.